Tough Mothers: personal stories from the frontline of leisure and hospitality

Let’s begin by splashing some cold statistics onto our tired, winter-ravaged faces. In a recent Mumsnet survey of 1500 mothers, 77% of those polled agreed ‘it was impossible’ for them to currently work at home uninterrupted and 10% of them expect to leave the labour market within the next six months.

And there’s more. 

79% of mothers said home-schooling had largely fallen to them, rather than to their partner, and The IFS (that’s The Institute for Fiscal Studies) has found mothers are 47% more likely than fathers to have lost (or quit) their job since the pandemic began. 

There’s no doubt then that the COVID crisis has been catastrophic for working mothers. But when we spoke to some who work within the hospitality and leisure industry, they mostly agreed; the pandemic has just made a hard situation even harder. 

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For some reason, society has decided that there’s something slightly inferior about being female and producing offspring. The hospitality arena has to catch up with other sectors to support mothers much more.

— Ruth Butler, Cotto

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Back in the glory days of 2019, when you’d say ‘corona’, and your mate would start slicing up wedges of lime, the Office for National Statistics reported that 56% of mothers had made a change to their employment for childcare reasons compared with just 22% of fathers.

And speaking on Politics Live (12/01/2021), Justine Roberts (Founder and Chief Executive of Mumsnet) said: ‘The truth is, this issue (COVID) is affecting mothers more than fathers. Basically, women are picking up the bulk of the responsibility around home-schooling, childcare and very often trying to hold down a job.’

The unfairness continues. A charity working to ‘end the motherhood penalty’, have made a sex-discrimination case against the Government over the furlough scheme which currently incorporates periods of maternity leave into the calculations for the self-employed, thereby leaving around 75,000 women out of pocket. Joeli Brearley, CEO and Founder of Pregnant Then Screwed, explains: 

‘This isn’t just about the 75,000 vulnerable new mothers who have received a payment that is well below what they should have received. It is about the critical importance of maternity leave and ensuring that as a society we value it. Giving birth and caring for the next generation, particularly in a baby's first year of life, is work; it is mentally and physically exhausting work.’

‘Not only that, but ensuring the next generation survives and thrives is surely the most important job there is. For maternity leave to be dismissed as the same as being sick or taking a sabbatical is not only insulting, but it sends out a very dangerous message about how this Government views mothers and the integral role we play in a well-functioning society.’

Ruth Butler of Cotto, and her family.

So why are things seemingly so unfair for working mothers? Could it be the perceived stigma attached to having a job when you become the mother of young children? As Ruth Butler, who co-owns Cotto restaurant with her husband, Hans Schweitzer, and has worked in hospitality since the 1980s explains: ‘For some reason, society has decided that there’s something slightly inferior about being female and producing offspring. The hospitality arena has to catch up with other sectors to support mothers much more.’ 

Katie Underwood, an agency owner specialising in hospitality businesses, and formerly a high-end restaurant manager and street-food business operator, agrees: ‘I'm certainly conscious of the message I put out online, in terms of motherhood and the “work-life balance”.

‘My social media streams are professionally orientated, and I choose not to overshare personal or family updates. I think women are often aware that they could be disadvantaged in the workplace because of family commitments and, although there has been a lot of work to change this, flexible working isn't always possible in hospitality.’

Having that flexibility has to be the key. There’s the sense that as a working mother you must somehow split yourself into two and this can create a great sense of guilt and dissatisfaction in both areas. Ruth says: ‘My experience being employed in hospitality as a mother of two children has been incredibly challenging. I have juggled, stressed and been torn apart with guilt over the years.

‘When we started Cotto, we opened just two evenings a week and closed completely for 15 weeks holiday a year. As our children grew, we opened up more but our son was a footballer and every Sunday, when he would play, was important to us as a family. The exasperated guests would say, “Don’t you know how much money you’re losing?!”’  

Louise Holly and her family

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On the way to the railway station I was sobbing and my husband said to me, “You are a mother, but now go out and be a woman. Don’t forget that you are both”. As women, we give up so much of ourselves when we have children. But working is part of my identity.

— Louise Holly

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Louise Holly is Head of Programming and Marketing at Fat Poppadaddy’s, a nationwide events company specialising in nightclubs: ‘Oh I constantly felt the “mum guilt” when I was at work. I’d think “am I missing out?, are my children are going to hate me?”

‘I would be crying in a hotel bedroom thinking I was a terrible person for working and making that choice. But the turning point for me was when I went back to work six months after having my second child. On the way to the railway station I was sobbing and my husband said to me, “You are a mother, but now go out and be a woman. Don't forget that you are both”. As women, we give up so much of ourselves when we have children. But working is part of my identity.’

Hui Seung Atkinson runs Koala Cakes from her home-kitchen in Cambridge and explains how she has to juggle baking with raising her two children: ‘I usually start work once both kids have gone to sleep. I used to work overnight and go to bed at 4am, sleep for a couple of hours and then the day started but, as I’m getting older, I just can’t do it. 

‘Once, I finished a cake with hundreds of buttercream flowers and my son threw a toy and smashed it, so I had to make it again. My daughter always says she wants to help and gets upset when I say she can’t. And my baby son always comes over saying, “cake, cake” and wants to eat it! It’s hard. I will just go upstairs and have a moment to collect myself and then come back down.’

Having a thick-skin and being able to recover from set-backs is also crucial and mothers will often have to make seemingly crazy choices to keep everything going. Louise describes the birth of her first child: 

‘I was 41 weeks pregnant and it was Fresher’s Week - one of the biggest weeks of the year for us. 

‘On the third night, at 1.30am, I popped inside the club to use the loo and, just as I reached the girls’ toilets, my waters broke all over the floor. My husband (who was the DJ) managed to get someone to cover him and we rushed to hospital where my son was born an hour later. I went back to work after only one week, which was totally bonkers really, but I was able to take my baby to the office, which felt like a solution at the time.’ 

Hui Seung Atkinson of Koala Cakes and her children

But could there be a better solution than just flexibility and a thick skin? Ruth says: ‘20 years ago, when my husband and I both worked at Queen’s College, Cambridge there was a crèche on site. If the government were to insist that large companies provided in-house childcare for staff, some women could have a better choice, for those early years at least.’

But Justine from Mumsnet fears a return to the past: ‘There wasn’t a single mention of childcare in Rishi’s (Sunak) summer budget so the Government needs a strategy on this and, if we’re not to go back to the 1970s, I think we’ve got to address it quite quickly.’

Home-school and businesses remaining shut for now has put working mothers into just as much of a state of limbo as the leisure and hospitality industry itself, but when it comes to business at least, Katie says all is not lost:

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Having an optimistic outlook, but also being armed with the facts, is key. As an agency we were able to anticipate the restrictions being implemented by Government, to advise our clients and to keep moving forward, rather than giving up or feeling defeated.

— Katie Underwood

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And as for there being hope for the working mothers striving for success within hospitality – they’ll carry on for now as they always have. Juggling hours, making tough choices but always hopeful for the recognition, support and flexibility they deserve. 

(The outcome of Pregnant Then Screwed’s legal challenge against the Treasury is still to be decided at the time of writing. You can keep up to date with it here.)